Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
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The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
LOOOOOOL
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
And now we wait
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”