[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
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Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search