I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
You Might Also Like
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.