Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
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Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
[the middle of showering] I need a break
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
#CoronaOutbreak
Tammy is short for Tamuel
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*