Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
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I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.