I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
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it is time once again
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong