Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
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The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.