Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
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Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible