DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
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I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
this has done me in for some reason
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.