Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
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Still a very good boi….
Happy Caturday!
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
When you’ve simply given up.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
A classic…
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Going into Monday like
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”