911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
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Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun