The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
You Might Also Like
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
🙄😏😂🤣
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar