Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
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me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot