Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
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“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.