To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
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For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”