Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
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Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.