Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
You Might Also Like
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
I really had high hopes for this year though
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun