Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
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Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
next level snooze
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach