No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
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DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?