It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
You Might Also Like
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…