Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
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Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?