A gym so fancy they call it a James.
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Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Damn he played himself
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?