Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
You Might Also Like
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.