The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
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When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.