I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
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“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
water it, i dare you
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem