I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
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Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.