Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
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When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Is this a threat?
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP