My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
You Might Also Like
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.