Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
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Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
I drew y’all a little something.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
couldn’t resist
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.