Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
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Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
When you’ve simply given up.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*