Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
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Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.