The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
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guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.