My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
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My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
when there are deer in the woods
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
New comic up. “Ransom”