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Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.