They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
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Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
This is why I hate group projects
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.