[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
You Might Also Like
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Air conditioning – not a fan
so much to do