if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
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I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person