After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
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[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
#Thanos #MondayMood
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.