I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
You Might Also Like
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Not today.. 😂
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no