Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
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[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Who.
Did.
This?
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Ironic
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview