What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
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[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
That was easy.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*