I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
You Might Also Like
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Just a reminder, folks:
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.