Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.![]()
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Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
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[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
When he asks for feet pics
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Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
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Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man