[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
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-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
happy mother’s day❤️
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
i’m laughing very hard in real life
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
do horses think humans are hats
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Pandas 🐼🖤
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.