If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
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wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there