Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
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future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
the composer
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*