[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
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“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.