Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
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Merica.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys