My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
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Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
bugs when you lift up a rock
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.