An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
You Might Also Like
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
“TGIM!” – My liver
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!